I read Joshua Harris' book: I Kissed Dating Goodbye and I was enthusiastically supportive of it. I have since done a 180 degree turn and I truly regret having read it. In addition to this book, I read Quest For Love and Choosing God's Best. Well, I don't think I chose God's best, and it's only by the grace of God we are still married. I think God placed the best for me squarely in front of me with the perfect opportunity to go out with a terrific young lady, and I would have offered to go see a movie with her that she had expressed interest in seeing, but I let that opportunity pass, because I had expressed support for the ideas mentioned in that book, and I feared the perception among my peers of being a hypocrite. What I wouldn't do to go back in time to that moment!
Another idea I derived from those books is that when you break up with a girl, you are tearing her heart out. No man wants to do this, so when I found myself in a very bad relationship, I continued it, believing it was better than breaking up, in spite of the fact there were clear signals, and a few friends that tried to convince me to do so, and there may have been other opportunities to actually date this young lady, that I passed up, because I had this girlfriend.
When we got married, my wife continued to do the things she had done before we got married, and it plunged us deep into debt, and we are still working to get out after five years. It took three years for our marriage to hit rock bottom, before I was able to convince her that she should not be doing the things that were causing us so much financial hardship.
I think a woman respects a man who is willing to date and draw clear boundaries when it comes to physical contact, but I think these books leave the reader with ideas that may result in them actually missing out on God's best for them. I wish that the overall message was balanced by a clear understanding that it is permissible, even laudable to break up with a woman who you know is causing harm to you or manipulating you in some way, especially in the area of finances.
—Anonymous.
As for you, Lady, if 'he' unconsciously turns his gaze to a passing young lady,
do not take this gesture of innocent admiration as a harbinger of adultery!
Do not ask him: --Do you want her photo?-- He wouldn't understand you or would
find you unfair.
Means # 2 to kill your love relationship: unmotivated jealousy.
3. Ignoring the omnipresent dangers of routine
Thanks to your steady efforts, you have seduced your beloved, you have
'conquered' him/her. One day, you decided to join your fates. Marvelous!
At least, at the beginning-- Why would you take the risk of loosening the
pressure? Of stopping your efforts? To persevere day after day in seducing
them is The Key to your happiness! Never neglect to continue: just as with
everything else you wish to see going on long enough (your house, your garden,
your car, your friends...), you have to take care of your love. Think
frequently, each of you, of making small unforeseen pleasures for your beloved;
to give some attention to them, to express your tenderness, to break the
daily rut by a touch of excitement. Among others, in your moments of intimacy.
Means # 3 to break your couple's harmony: letting yourselves being trapped by routine !
4. Giving top priority to your work, over your couple and/or your family
This error is more usually a men's one - and often unintentional. A way to
solve this problem is to share activities and fields of interest with your
beloved and both of you, with your children. Another way is to fix
appointments with your partner and to respect them. This way, you demonstrate
the importance and the place you grant her / him in your life. Customers,
patients, students, shareholders, seniors colleagues--according to your
profession--, do not always have to come before your spouse and children!
In order to live a long-lasting relationship, you have to remain available
enough for them. To work for living? Well, ... yes: one too often needs to.
But, to live for working?? NO : please, live to love, to bring moments of
happiness to your beloved ones, to create!
Means # 4 to destroy your life as a couple: to forget your true priorities.
5. Letting dialogue fade; losing true communication
Many couples share the same bed, some of their meals, TV programs; they
sometimes go out together. But, they're not always lucky enough to share a
purpose, fields of interest or higher values. Therefore, each of them pursues
his own life, his own personal fate, only attentive to his own concerns,
preoccupations or interests. By speaking less and less together they stop
sharing. There are no more genuine exchanges. Their roads, formerly
convergent or parallel, eventually move apart. Without any more true
communication, both partners imperceptibly lose any real contact.
Look at these old couples you see sometimes in restaurants: they're facing
each other but don't look at each other anymore, don't speak to each other
any more - what could they say? How cruel and distressing.
Means # 5 to disintegrate a couple: letting indifference get hold of your
couple for having neglected communication and sharing.
6. To let yourself go to make comparisons-
Obviously, your ex--or someone among your acquaintances--said or did certain
things better; was more this; less that: --(S)he, 'at least' !-- Who is
perfect on Earth? If you sometimes make a comparison, then only make positive
ones. Otherwise keep for yourself your disappointed, bitter or disenchanted
reflections. Obviously, we agree you and me: gathering in the same person
the tenderness and kindness of your N'1; the sensuality of your N'2; the
'class' of N'3; the cheerfulness and practical intelligence of your office
colleague,... would certainly be ideal : a truly delicious miracle.
Well! In fact, you can work this miracle - by setting the example!
You strongly appreciated these qualities or skills in the past, maybe in the
frame of a previous relationship? By showing them yourself, you'll discover
a surprising mystery: they are contagious ! -Give and thou shalt receive!-
Take advantage of it to explain to your beloved what would please you: think
to express your expectations, without vain shyness. Speak to your beloved
about your wishes, your desires. Keep in mind that you've chosen your partner;
the qualities they're missing (or not showing) are most probably compensated
by others. Your tenderness, your encouragements, your frequent concern to
value her/him, will round angles, making these comparisons soon become useless.
Means # 6 to make 'creak the springs' of your relationship: not
being able to refrain from comparing (at least aloud).
7. Calling your children to witness
All couples sometimes face difficult moments, arguing occasionally, exchanging
reproaches--in all or in part justified. These are adults' concerns ! Even
unintentionally involving your children in your conflicts hurts them. Besides,
this is the easy way to raise bit by bit a wall of incomprehension, of
un-love and often of hatred: inside your couple and later between you or one
of you and your children: unwilling witnesses of situations or facts, the
implications, the origin or the motive of which they cannot understand, how
could your children judge them clearly? You certainly feel it, this is not a
good way to manage a healthy couple's relationship.
Means # 7 to break up your couple: directly or indirectly blackening the
image of their other parent in the eyes of your children, letting them be
witnesses of your conflicts.
8. A quite inopportune haste
If you have acknowledged the happiness and privilege to live a passionate
relationship (at least at the beginning), you will remember these delicious
moments during which you both of you were active and which both of you loved
to prolong.
Alas, time passes; concerns accumulate; your children, your work, your various
responsibilities 'devour' every minute of your time. Soon, these embraces
which, since always, have plunged those who love each other in shared delights,
are abbreviated and become less frequent. It even happens to these lovers, to
forget to take time for the after tenderness-cuddle ! They don't take time
any more to give each other some compliments, some words of love; to exchange
small positive messages in order to remind themselves how much they love each
other, how much they value their relationship, how much they appreciate each
other's presence. Fulfilling embraces are an essential food for your
tenderness and a good means to stay in love. However--you know it--,to make
love the proper way, taking plenty of time is essential. To hurry at these
moments is hurrying the outbreak of tensions.
Means # 8 to slide on the slippery slope of a break-up: Hurry !
9. Being too often untidy-looking
Hygiene and body care dashed off, a constant untidiness, indifferent dress
sense, weight excess perfectly disdained: there are so many ways of letting
your partner guess that you hardly care to please him. Heavy error:
carelessness marks a lack of consideration to your better half and this can
hurt them deeply. Respecting oneself and the Other also involves slight
concessions connected to one's own look: the image which one gives of oneself
has to be positive. This quality has to be considered not only a female one.
Men often lose sight that women too like to be at the arm or in the company of
a man of whom they feel legitimately proud. To have got married and settled
down doesn't guarantee fidelity for life ; to believe it would be giving
evidence of naivety.
Means # 9 for enticing your partner to imperceptibly begin to look around -
becoming more vulnerable to temptation: make no effort any more to look neat
for them.
10. Show yourself possessive
Living as a couple can't be a chain. You want to continue to feel well
together for a long time? Then, think of it: your beloved is not a child
anymore; give them a free rein, rely on them ! Each partner of a relationship
must preserve at least a part of their personal life, of their opinions, of
their tastes - of their autonomy. Always imposing on your partner your own way
of life is a constraint which is not acceptable anymore in our time. Living
together never means surrendering one's own personality; having to comply in
all with the desires and requirements of the other is on the contrary, a very
effective way to awaken feelings of rebellion. This leads one to become
secretive; it leads to lies and unfaithfulness. Important decisions
imperatively have to be taken together. (In the West at least, we can take
this luck for - theoretically - granted.) To live a harmonious relationship
naturally involves common activities and relations, sharing a social life,
an ideal, a fulfilling tenderness, a purpose, showing solidarity to meet
responsibilities and chores etc. From that point to never losing sight of your
better half, to keeping a constant watch on them - even if it is sometimes
unconscious - there is a big step! It's essential not to cross that line.
Your better half is a whole human person. As such, (s)he appreciates to be
with you, - not to you. At least, in current daily life.
Means # 10 to ruin your relationship: completely restrain their independence,
keep them -under your heel-.
Ivan Greindl is the author of the well-known method : How to Boooost Your Love Life ! 60 Simple Ways for Results in 8 Days For any information (in English or French), please visit: http://4yourcouple.com You can take my word for it: implementing these suggestions will lead your couple toward harmony and preserve it from a lot of nuisance.
Ivan G.
Being realistic about relationships is considered natural as we grow up and give up the fantasies, foolishness and dreams of childhood. But nothing could be further from natural. Being in love is the most mature and realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. The body heals, the heart is happy. The real question is, why aren't we in love all the time? How can we learn to fall in love with all of life?
Here are some ways to answer that question and turn your life upside down. You will learn how to clear away weeds in your garden and then realize the entry point is right where you are.
1)THE ONE RIGHT BESIDE YOU
Most of the time we are searching and searching for the right person. Now it is time to stop running around seeking what is right in front of our eyes. Look at a person who is close to you right now anyone it happens to be. Notice the ways in which you push him away. Stop doing that. Allow the two of you to be together in whatever way you are. Let all of it be fine just as it is.
Do the same thing tomorrow with someone else. We dismiss so many people who are in our worlds, while waiting for the right one to appear. The more we can be right with everyone, the more we can open up to what is being offered now, the fuller and more joyous our lives will be.
2)PLAYING AT LOVE
So many complain that they are not loved. The reason for this can be quite simple. They are so busy playing roles and games that the partner never gets to know who they really are. Notice what roles (or games) you play in relationships, and what roles you demand of others as well. See if you are in love with the person, or with the role he is playing right now. Why not let the roles go and simply be who you are. Who we are is always loveable and beautiful. It's the roles that get in the way.
3)LETTING HIM COME AND LETTING HIM GO
One great obstacle in living a life of love is the tendency to hold on. We grasp and cling to each, preventing the freedom of love from arising on its own.
When someone comes into your life (or day) practice letting him come. Welcome the person whoever he is. Enjoy what it is he brings.
When it is time for a person to go away, practice letting him go. Do not turn the person's leaving into an experience of rejection, loss or abandonment. Realize that his leaving has nothing to do with you. It is simply time for him to go. Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely in life, not tying yourself in unnecessary chains. The more we free others and ourselves, the more easily we fall in love.
4)PUTTING YOUR BAGGAGE DOWN
Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. They can be quite amazed to discover that these demands don't lead to happiness. They just may be obstacles to falling in love.
Take a look at what you feel is absolutely necessary in relationships. Now look at it again. Realize this is baggage you are carrying that may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away. Not only that this baggage can be making you fearful and rigid, not open to what is available for you.
Let one of these demands subside. At first let it go for just one day and see how it feels to be without it. (Remember you can always take it back again). Now try another day. As we do this many times, we may find that that which we thought was crucial for our lives was really getting in the way. The more we do this the more light and happy we will feel. Not only that, but all kinds of new people, possibilities and situations we never noticed will start coming onto our path. We have made room for them by putting our baggage down.
5)GIVING GIFTS
Giving and receiving are the essence of relationships. To open up to falling in love, it is important to start giving naturally. What gifts do you give others in relationships? Take a few moments and also see what you hope to receive in return. Now find something new you can give to somebody. Give it. Do this everyday. Do it with all kinds of different people, without great fanfare and without expecting something in return.
Then each day take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like today. (Can be simple a walk in the park, new lipstick, time with someone you care for.) Now give this to yourself each day. Although this exercise is simple, it is extremely powerful. When you give, remember not to look for anything in return By living with this open, generous mind, all kinds of other gifts come to you naturally.
6)MAKING FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF
Many say they are lonely, even with a partner at their side. This is simply because they have not yet made friends with themselves. Once they make friends with themselves and are able to be who they are, it is impossible to be lonely anymore.
Make friends with yourself. Spend time noticing who you are. Accept all parts of yourself. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on inside. Be still and look within. Pay attention to your breath and just notice what is going on. Let it be. Accept it, and return to the breathing. Understand that breath by breath, you are perfect just as you are. Choose to have relationships with those who want and appreciate just what you are.
© author/2005
* * * * * *Discover more surprising truths about love which will save your relationship or make it the best it can be. Check Dr. Shoshanna's new e-book Save Your Relationship, (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships), http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, and relationship expert who shows you why and how it is impossible to fail at love. She is the author of many books including The Anger Diet, Zen and the Art of Falling in Love and others. Contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com, http://www.brendashoshanna.com
The top online dating sites will be conscious mainly of women's issues when dating online and will have a positive policy which allows women members to block those people whom they do not wish to communicate with, without repercussions. Since Email is a private affair when dating online, top online dating sites generally keep your email inside the site itself so that you have a protected in box but messages are never send out to your real world address. Instant messaging is very popular when dating online and permits on the spot communication with other members who are online at the same time. This makes possible easy and private chats which can lead to a very promising and positive relationship.
Not all the dating websites provide chat rooms which are very useful for new daters and socialites who love to chat with too many people at once. It is a great way of taking your typing and chatting skills to the top form. The top online dating sites let you to use a different name in a chat room to your regular profile to maintain secrecy levels. The other most popular communication features these days voicemail. Other than chatting online it is very useful and exciting to have voice messages and listen too without ever giving out an actual telephone number. Many top online dating sites use secure voicemail box Ids and passwords through a common number allowing people to send and receive voice messages between themselves and members they like.
Here are some important things you should always keep in mind when trying to use the Internet for dating.
